Leslie Vernick wrote a nice summary posting on domestic violence at www.christianpsych.org. Read her comments here. She reminds us the truth about domestic violence and how Christians ought to respond to it.

Check out the following story (including audio) about abuse by pastors. They report 1:33 women have experienced a sexual advance by pastor:

Key elements found in the researcher’s survey?

1. Dual relationships or conflicting roles (where pastor is counselor and highest authority)
2. Holding leaders in too much awe and that leader’s lack of accountability
3. Isolation of communication (pastor alone in church without much oversight)
4. Unrepresentative language that treats clergy sexual abuse as affairs rather than abuses of power

I would have liked to have heard more detail on the survey results. If anyone finds more data out there, let me know.

Having spoken last week on the topics of trauma and pastoral sexual abuse (and the resulting conversations with attendees at both sessions), I keep thinking this thought: Just don’t blow it.

Let me explain. Both sessions are filled with examples of Christian leaders abusing vulnerable people. It is common that attendees want to come up and chat with me about something similar that has happened to them or a loved one. During my trauma session, an individual commented to the whole group about a recent serious (and very public) allegation about a camp counselor and a decade of abuse to young boys. What would I tell these boys who were (allegedly) abused by someone they should have trusted?

Even when the problem is not abuse but moral failings, I note the massive, rippling fallout (fear, anger, anxiety, crushing heartbreak) in those in the know.

After the second session I got to go have a wonderful dinner with my wife. During it I was having double consciousness. I was with her and enjoying her company but having intruding thoughts about my own capacity to fail her, my kids, my parents, my colleagues, my students, etc. These vignettes I heard of “blowing it” can’t be all stupid of course. They too must have known how much destruction their choices would bring. I cannot rest on the fact that since I’m in the know, it won’t happen to me. Why? Because we are all prone to forget.

So, I spoke to myself, Just don’t blow it Phil. Remember that glowing face of your wife in the dinner light.

I’ll need a bit more than that I suppose…regular reminders and lots of prayer! It is easy to be ensnared and deceived by desires for comfort, glory, etc.

Today I present my 1 hour CE training at the AACC conference. In this presentation I briefly review (a) complex PTSD and its typical symptom presentation, (b) material from my recently published work on best practices for using Scripture in counseling. Then I consider the particular application to therapy with trauma survivors. The goal is not get individuals to believe the truth but to experience it via the interpersonal relationship of therapy.

If you are interested in more, see the pptx slides I have up on my page “Articles, Slides, Etc.” (# 15 on the list).

Every summer we have a summer counseling institute where we offer electives for current students, alum, and other interested parties (graduate counseling credit counts for required CEUs!). This summer we have three fabulous offerings!

1. **ON-LINE** Models of Counseling(2 credits) by Dr. Bryan Maier. From 7/6 to 8/31. This class has NO on-site time. If you have ever wanted to study the historic models of counseling from a Christian perspective this class is for you. Bryan really understands the basics of these models, offers great insights and careful thinking. Plus, Bryan’s material includes narrated PowerPoints and short videos made to stimulate your thinking. 

2.  Theology of Suffering & Disability(2 credits) by Jerry Borton and Kevin Kain. Class meets two weekends (7/10-11, 7/24-25). Jerry works for Joni & Friends and both Jerry and Kevin have intimate understanding of Cerebral Palsy. This is not, per se, a counseling course but open to all who want to think biblically about suffering and disability and apply that to their counseling or ministry practices.

3. Counseling Victims in the Criminal Justice System(1 credit) by Jenn Zuck. Class meets one weekend (August 7-8). Jenn has tremendous experiences working with victims of abuse and crimes in the justice system. Sadly, the church has not supported these individuals as it could have (I have heard several Christian prosecutors tell me that they have yet to see a pastor come in support of the victim, but many times observed the pastor supporting the alleged perpetrator). If you don’t live in the area, consider a visit. Class meets Friday night and Saturday. Philadelphia is a great town to visit!

Check out the following link for some very interesting research on how abuse alters the NR3C1 gene in the hippocampus which functions to limit our stress responses. It appears that when the gene is altered, it inhibits natural control of stress responses thereby leaving the abuse victim on high levels of alert.

This may give new meaning to “the sins of the fathers passed on to the third generation” comment in Scripture.

I’ve noticed that the American Association of Christian Counselors has made many of their magazine (Christian Counseling Today) articles available for free on their www.ecounseling.com website. You can search by author or keyword to find what you might be looking for.  

My 800 word essay on repentance after abuse can be found here. A longer and very helpful article by another psychologist on the 12 features of spiritual abuse can be found here.

Staff meeting today was run by two colleagues presenting information from a recent PASCH conference (aka Peace and Safety in the Christian Home). They brought goodies such as a 2 page document entitled, “Guidelines for pastors responding to domestic violence” and a number of small books. During the presentation they listed two common but problematic responses by well-meaning people (not even considering the “just submit…” mistake) :

1. Pressuring the victim to leave the home…without a careful plan.

It may be important for someone who is in danger to leave. But without a plan, the victim may be in greater danger from a rageful spouse or have no access to money or other family resources.

2. Encouraging a person to go to marital counseling.

Its not possible to do marital counseling when one person is battering (physically or with words) another. Marital counseling presupposes two people working toward the same goal.

The two also mentioned a good website. Check out www.theraveproject.org.

In prep for a presentation next week I have been reviewing Dan Allender’s”The Wounded Heart.” While I’m not a fan of his approach in this book (it’s too much at once for those with PTSD), I do think he has many, many nuggets of truth. Here’s one on p. 41:

Let me state an important observation: I have never worked with an abused man or woman who did not hate or mistrust the hunger for intimacy. In most victims, the essence of the battle is a hatred of their hunger for love and a strong distaste for any passion that might lead to a vulnerable expression of desire….The enemy, or so it feels, is the passion to be lovingly pursued and nourishingly touched by a person whose heart is utterly disposed to do us good. Such people (if they exist at all) are rare; it is therefore easier to hate the hunger than to wait expectantly for the day of satisfaction.

I see this love/hate/fear theme in many troubled marriages–even those where abuse is absent. When we desire this nourishment from someone “utterly disposed to do us good” and then continually wake to the realization that the person we married is not–no, cannot–disposed to do us good in the way we dream, we often feel rejected and invalidated because it seems to us the person is holding out on us. In response to these fears, we have one of several choices:

1. Demand/pursue via criticism, complaint, accusation, suggestion, etc. that the person give what they are withholding: perfect validation and intimacy
2. Withdraw into coldness, self-hatred, workaholism, fantasy, etc. to avoid the intimacy that is present in the marriage because it is not what we think it should be
3. Actively pursue the dream of intimacy with others, or
4. Daily die to the dream that the other will make us fully secure and happy WHILE continuing to offer unconditional intimacy, support, validation of the other in order to better provide sacrificial love AND yet still communicating (without demand) clearly our requests for how the other can love us well or what behaviors they should stop that are hurtful.

As you can see the 4th is impossible without the power of the Holy Spirit. The first 3 are much easier choices. They require less of us and maintain our all/nothing view of self and the world. The truth is we can only approach the 4th position if we place our trust in God to sustain us in a broken world. And therein lies the problem. It is hard for us humans to trust an unseen God, especially when our experience with the seen world tells us that love is conditional, that we are not valued, etc.

What’s the answer then? There is no one answer. But am I willing today to do one thing where I trust the Lord and show love/civility to the other as a creature made in the image of God. If I can answer yes, then I need to find another human being (since we are made for community) to help me discern what that love might look like today (hint: it may not look anything like what my spouse thinks it should look like).

As humans we have the capacity to split ourselves. One minute we can help another, the next we can harm. A friend of a friend of mine recently admitted to taking advantage of another in a vulnerable position. This person seems quite wise. He has good advice when I’m stuck. He is able to see through knotty situations. People come to him for advice and counsel. And to a person they feel the better for it. But now it is evident that he manipulated someone for financial benefit. It wasn’t illegal but certainly immoral and unethical.

How is this possible. Can salt water and fresh come from the same source? It should not be possible but it is. I meditate on this in my own life. I can be gracious to my kids one minute and harsh the next. I can heal and I can kill the soul. We all have this capacity and so we must be on guard against complacency. It is easy to stand in judgment of the one who commits a heinous crime. When this person is a believer, we begin to question their honesty and integrity and disbelieve that any good done prior to the crime was of value. And while we should do that since something was clearly wrong and somehow the person has disconnected from his/her soul, we ought also to explore our own soul for the same disease.

May God help us to be unwilling to entertain or ignore self-deception.